Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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