Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
