Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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