took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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