She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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