I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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