i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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