She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
