only if we run a train.
done.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize