you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
