Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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