the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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