Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
