his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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