I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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