He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
