sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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