Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
