Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
