we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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