Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
