it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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