My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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