he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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