Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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