I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
