mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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