i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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