just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Pooping to opera.
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