I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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