I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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