All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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