Plan B is the new Plan A
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She told me I should be a condom model.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
