Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
