just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
