Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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