It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
