If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
