i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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