Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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