i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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