We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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