my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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