I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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