No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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