I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
