dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
