Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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