I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
