I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
