Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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