i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
