FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
