I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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