i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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