I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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